10 Tips from relationship experts on how to spice up your relationships29.04.2022
Haven’t you had sex for a while? You are not the only one. You might also be asking yourself how to spice up your relationship or “Why have I stopped sex?” or considering tantric sex. You don’t have to be upset about how your sex life is going. All that matters is that you want to make some changes.
It is common to become ‘roommates’ when you have been together for years. A healthy sex life requires effort and time. We could all use more of it. According to a 2020 study by Zavamed.com, 57% of couples have less sex after six months.
Juliette, Relationship and Intimacy expert, agrees. “Life, with all its mundane aspects, can pull at us. How to spice up your relationship will depend on who you are emotionally. Most often, it isn’t someone we recognize anymore because it is so far removed from our dull reality.”
While we know that sex can’t be everything in a relationship but regular, enjoyable sex can make your relationship more fun. That connection is about feeling valued, wanted and seen.
How to spice up your relationships
Connection and communication are two of the most important aspects of a healthy sex lifestyle. Michele Weiner Davis, a best-selling author and relationship therapist who is also a marriage educator, discusses disconnect in her Ted Talk: A Sex Starved Marriage.
Jones, Robinson, and Seedall (2018) also examined the possibility that greater sexual communication can lead to better sex. The results showed that talking more about sex increases orgasm frequency among women, and leads to greater sexual satisfaction and relationship in both sexes. This sounds like a win-win situation.
Michele continues to explain that a lack of sex is usually a sign that one spouse wants more touch, intimacy and closeness while the other spouse thinks it’s just sex. For the spouse who longs for more physical touch, it’s about feeling loved and wanted. Intimacy is lost when there is a disconnect.
Michele’s top three tips for spiceing up your relationship are.
- It’s not enough to be able to connect with your partner, but we also need to learn how to feel connected to our partner. This is a two-way street.
- You should not dismiss sex with someone who is looking for more touch and sex. Sex can be a powerful way to bond with your loved ones.
- You don’t need to know everything about your partner’s style of communicating with you. It’s enough to start to understand.
2. Start a conversation
Every decision in a couple is made together. It is all discussed, including the pros and cons and likes and dislikes.
There’s a lack of conversation when it comes to sexual encounters. Studies show that couples who don’t talk about sex are less likely to have sex. Start the conversation by putting your phones down, turning off the TV, and getting ready to answer some questions.
Juliette Karaman, Relationship & Intimacy expert at FeelFullyYou suggests asking curious questions like. Ask yourself questions like: “What were your first impressions of sex?” and “Who was your teacher?” Also, ask about what you learned about sex.
She said, “Being open and willing to talk and laughing creates connection and normalizes sex in all of its awkward and vulnerable glory.”
Juliette is a Dyads worker. She tells us that she uses a dyad as a communication tool. Our brains cannot hold on to two things that are different. They can’t hold on to two things that are opposite. For example, they won’t be able to stay mad if they have a good memory. This tool’s sole purpose is to help the other person understand. This tool is not intended to be agreeable, nor to like, but rather to understand.
She continues to explain that it would begin with a prompt such as “tell me about your love for our relationship”. Continue this conversation with five more questions. You will eventually get to the deeper things.
Juliette says, “The next question could be, “What are your fears?” Then, maybe, “Tell me a wish you have for us?,” and finally, “What’s your goal…where do you want to be in 20 Years?” This vulnerability creates intimacy.
We often misunderstand each other in couples and let our connection slip. Ask questions and be curious about each other.
3. More than just a date night
In relationships, the term “date night” is often used lightly. Couples are encouraged to have regular date nights and dress up for them. While it is nice to have date nights together, it can be pointless if there is no real connection between you and your partner. This is what’s missing in many relationships that have little or no sex.
Juliette says that some couples feel so disconnected they don’t know where the next step is. A ‘date night’ can be stressful because of this.
Instead, plan for intentional time together. Make sure to write it down, have a babysitter available and set ground rules. Stick to the rules, such as “We won’t discuss finances/kids/family tonight”
She continues to add. We are all so busy, it’s easy to forget about the connection. A little bit of good intentions can go a long ways. It’s a good idea to say, “hey, we’re going to spend this time getting to know each other again.”
Juliette suggests play a game to ease the stress of this “planned intentional time”. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoyed as children. It could be your favorite Super Mario game or a particular park you visited. This will make it light-hearted and fun and lead to more questions.
4. Try to imagine yourself as your partner.
Low libidos are not just a problem for women. Men who don’t feel in the right mood can also have low libidos. A study showed that 15.2% of men reported not having sex in the last year. More than 8% of men in the same survey had not had sexual activity in five years or more.
Another study suggests that 16 percent of American relationships could be classified as sexless. It’s not often discussed, but it’s important to remember that whoever is in your relationship who doesn’t enjoy sex drives the sexual agenda.
If one person is content with the dry spell, then the other may be happy to take a cold shower since it’s not happening. Now is the time to change your partner’s story. No matter what sexual preference you have, try to imagine your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This is one step closer to reconnection.
Dr Juliana is a PhD in Counselling Education and Licensed Marital and family Therapist. She also holds the license to be a Licensed Professional Counsellor. I do role-playing and scripts because not everyone is good at empathising with others.
“I had one couple, he really desired more sexual connection. She was reticent. Once that was answered, we were able look at what it meant for him to feel unwelcome. It meant that she was the gatekeeper who always turned him down.”
They had complete empathy and an instant attraction for each other when they reached that point. They were able to understand each other better, and they worked together to solve problems rather than being defensive.
5. Make a podcast club for members only
Instead of having a book club, download the same erotic podcasts. Then, pencil in an evening to discuss them together.
- Dirty Diana – This new narrative fiction series, produced by Demi Moore and starring her, is the most popular on the audio erotica block. Moore plays Diana, a woman trapped in a sexless marital relationship who runs a website that features sexy audio confessions by anonymous women. One of the featured characters is Melanie Griffith.
- Sex with Strangers: A Podcast for Grown Folks – You know you’re in the midst of a good time when a podcast has episodes with titles like “Spit in My Mouth” and “Celibacy with Strangers”. Each week hosts Cii, Jaxon and Juice discuss a range of dating and sex topics. You’ll enjoy the real, raunchy talk. Stay for the host’s crazy chemistry and banter.
- D stands for Desire. What does it really mean to want something? Noah Michelson, host of the HuffPost podcast seeks to find out. Michelson conducts research and interviews guests to find out about different types of desires. Past episodes have covered period sex and erotica witchcraft. Enjoy the listening experience!
6. Changes in scenery
For our erotic alter egos, homes can seem uninviting. You might be the mom and dad, the chef, and the chauffeur at home. Book some time away to somewhere new if possible. Even if you only spend a night in a hotel close to home, it will create new memories and allow you to experience something new.
Emma Davey, My Trauma Therapy Relationship Counsellor, agrees. Everyone gets bored with the same environment if it is taken away. Spend some time somewhere else. Inspire excitement
7. Sexual fantasies to share
Emma tells us. “Boredom is one of the main triggers for sex. Communication with your partner is key to a healthy sex lifestyle. Let’s start by sharing sexual fantasies.
Texts are a good option if you don’t feel like doing it in person. Emma adds: “Part of connecting to our partners is showing vulnerability. Sharing sexual fantasies and feelings can be very vulnerable.”
8. Take the time to get to know each other
It’s not too long since you last saw each other naked. Now is the time to act. Touch can help us reconnect with one another. Emma says, “People would rather talk to each other about when their bins should be empty than what they want in sex. It’s these disconnects, these miscommunications, that can make it difficult to move on. As bodies change, you as a couple must learn to grow together.”
Jasmine, Mum-of-2 tells us. “It took me so much after the birth of my children for my husband to touch my stomach again. Slowing down really helped, and we are almost back where we were sexually.”
It’s not about having sex. If it helps, dim the lights, turn off your phones, and wait for your children to fall asleep or get out of bed. Then, take some time to get to know each other’s bodies. Tell your partner how you feel about their body.
9. Schedule spontaneity
Grab your wall planner and write the date and time in Sharpie. For couples, both spontaneity and scheduling can work. A sexy session that is planned and planned only increases the sexual tension. It is always worthwhile to reflect on the things you have shared in the past and how they were handled.
Also, consider how you might act on spontaneously intimate thoughts by sending a flirtatious text?
We are told that Dr Juliana is a strong believer in the concept of intimacy. “I believe you should schedule intimacy. Instead of calling it “time for sex”, call it “time for sexual connection”. It should include sex acts that involve penetration, but not only that.”
I do a four-quadrant exercise with my clients. The couple performs a variety of sex acts including kissing, grabbing, and even the most outrageous sexual ideas. They then compile a list.
- Things I have done and would love to do again
- Things I have done that I wouldn’t mind doing again
- Things I’ve never tried, but I think I should.
- Things I haven’t tried, and I don’t think I want.
This tool is useful for couples who don’t want to get stuck in a rut with their sexual relationship.
Dr Juliana adds. There is nothing wrong or bad about having a hectic life that makes it difficult to have sex. If you want to make it happen, then this time must be sacred. Because life is always busy.
“I encourage people think about their day, to take off work if necessary, and to move around. You can spend the night in your car, in your driveway, or in your home’s study. This will make it more lively and encourage spontaneity. I encourage couples to have a variety of times. You can plan long, but also short, sexual connections.”
10. Learn to understand and speak their love language
According to Chapman, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation (Acts of Service), Receiving Gifts (Receiving Gifts), Quality Time (Physical Touch), and Words of Affirmation. These love languages are found in all romantic relationships.
“How to spice up your relationships depends on learning to meet the deep emotional need of each other to feel loved. If you do this, the love we will share will be beyond anything we have ever experienced.”
Understanding your partner’s love language in a relationship is essential. You can love someone with all your heart, but if you don’t communicate that love in a way that they understand, they won’t feel loved or desired.
If your partner is a hugger, give them what they need. It’s a gesture of compassion and love that can go a long distance, as long as you feel comfortable doing it.
Jay, dad-of-two tells us “I love to hug in the kitchen after sons are in bed. But before we make dinner. It’s not sexual. I just need her understanding that I love to be held. To touch her and smell her. She’s not a hugger. It makes me feel so alone, she shrugs it off.”