8 Signs to detect that your partner is afraid of commitment

We’ve got a letter from our read about her relationship problems. Here it is.

Dear aboutfash,

My partner and I have been together for few years. He still shudder when I mention marriage, or talk about buying a house together. Although he has stated the desire to be with me, he seem to spiral when we discuss it in concrete terms. A friend of mine who witnessed the behavior said that my partner is afraid of commitment. How can I identify the signs and move forward?

A relationship is like a great-white shark. It must continue moving forward to get the oxygen it needs. It can be very difficult to have a partner who refuses or is unable to reach the next developmental milestone. This can happen because the partner is emotionally unavailable, or simply not a good match. The problem is often that you are in a relationship with someone who fears commitment.

People who are afraid of commitments like marriage, monogamy, children, and moving in together can be called commitment phobic. They may be able to maintain a long-term relationship, but they panic when they have to make those commitments.

Signs that Your Partner is Afraid to Commitment

Sometimes, it can be difficult to tell if your fear of commitment is real or if you’re just not compatible. Fear of commitment can be described as the modern-day “it is not you, it is me”, and you have to decide if you are able to deal with it. First, identify if you are afraid of commitment. These are some signs.

1. They cannot be vulnerable in a relationship. They are afraid of being hurt and are unwilling to or unable let go of their guard to allow you to see their soft side.

2. They fear rejection. They are afraid of rejection, even though they may not admit it. They can be easily hurt and take it personally, which only increases their fear.

3. They can be unpredictable. They are unable to plan. They may be unable to commit to a date or plan for a future vacation. These types of plans are best avoided by commitment-phobes. They are often unreliable regarding anything that requires commitment or accountability, even a phone call.

4. They see the end of their relationships. Their relationships are short-term and can last from weeks up to 18 months. The two-year mark is impossible to break. If things get serious in a relationship, it is likely that they will end.

5. They are known for choosing unsuitable or unavailable partners in the past. They are known to pick people who aren’t suitable for long-term relationships, such as addicts, alcoholics and people with unresolved mental issues. They can avoid having to commit.

6. They’ve never been married. Sometimes you might meet someone who was married, but became so afraid by the pain of divorce that it made them a commitment-phobic. They are most likely not to have been married as marriage is the ultimate commitment.

7. They don’t have many friends. Fear of rejection is not limited to romantic relationships. To have lasting friendships, you must be open to new ideas, willing to take risks, and commit to your friends.

8. They are uncomfortable using titles. They don’t like the idea of naming your relationship or using terms such as boyfriend and girlfriend. These terms will be avoided and there will be no discussion about how to deal with them.

Where fear of commitment comes from

Emotional issues are when a couple is unable to commit and move forward in a healthy relationship. This is most often a result of childhood trauma, but it can also be caused by more recent rejections or hurts. These are some of the most common causes of commitment phobia.

1. Bad parent-child relationship.
2. Experiencing a volatile divorce from a parent.
3. A parent’s death or illness during childhood can result in the loss of a parent.
4. Attachment issues in childhood are common.
5. Childhood abuse or trauma can result in being subject to such abuse.
6. Divorce or a bad breakup can lead to a painful divorce.

Can a Commitment Phobe Change?

It is possible to overcome a fear of commitment if someone wants to make a change. Fear can often keep people from changing their minds or allowing them to want something else. Individual and/or couple therapy is the best approach. This will help you to both determine if your partner is willing and able to do this.

These fears can make it difficult for you to communicate with your partner. The commitment-oriented partner will reach a point where their anger and frustration can cause damage to the relationship. The relationship will soon be on thin ice if you reach that point. My clinical experience shows that once the resentments reach a boiling point, it is most likely that the relationship will end.