How did I get over my anxious attachment12.07.2022 Off By manager_1
In my 20s, I was in an abusive relationship. This actually wasn’t my first abusive relationship. I had been married at 19, and divorced at 21. Actually, my previous relationships had all been dysfunctional. But I determined that the last one would be the best. I knew that something had to be changed, and that it was me. I returned to school and started studying attachment theory.
Attachment is a result of the early relationship between child and caregiver. Although it can seem complicated psychologically, attachment is really simple. It’s how we experience love. Our attachment style is shaped by our earliest relationships, the first time that we experience love and being loved.
A disorganized attachment style puts you on edge constantly. This happens when parents fail to soothe children’s distress or fear. Fearful attachment is another name for this type.
People who have a disapproving attachment style are more independent than others and less comfortable with intimacy. They won’t allow anyone to get too close.
Anxious attachment, also known as neediness, is another form of anxiety. This attachment style can lead to codependency and a high level of involvement in relationships. They are desperate for affection and love. My attachment style was primarily anxious.
An anxious attachment style is one that places all the responsibility on another person to fulfill every need you have.
Your caregivers were able to understand you because of your anxious attachment style. Your emotional and physical needs were met, but it was inconsistent. My mom was very nurturing but also worked hard. For five years I was the only child. I received a lot attention and then I had younger siblings. She also had mental health issues. She wasn’t there for me every day, or at the least not in the way I needed. That created an anxious way for me to experience love, and I was unable to find it. It was like I wanted more of my Mom. What do I do? What can I do to win mom’s affection? To get mom’s attention and connection, you must do everything possible.
My dad was also there — physically present but emotionally distant. He was more dismissive and avoidant in his attachment style. These were all factors that contributed to my neediness.
An anxious attachment style is when you place all the responsibility on another person to fulfill every need you have. You are looking for external validation. You are looking for love. People with anxious attachments are more likely to move from one relationship to the next. These cycles and patterns continue until we choose to change our lives and stop allowing ourselves to be a victim of dysfunctional ways in which we experience love.
My training was in family and marriage therapy. I also received my bachelor’s degree in psychology. Family dynamics and relationship dynamics have always fascinated me. My last relationship was so abusive that it became a nightmare, I realized this wasn’t the life I wanted. This is when I entered graduate school to learn more about this topic and began my own self-development. After completing my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, I realized that I had to learn how to love myself. To find my worth and find someone worthy, I had to first discover who I was. I had to move from anxious attachment to secure attachment.
It is called earned secure attachment in psychology because it takes effort to achieve it. Although it can be difficult to change your ways of experiencing love it is possible.
The first step is to create a vision of who you want to be. It is clear what you want from relationships. From there, it’s just about learning how to be that person. Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches you how to self-soothe, self-regulate and manage your emotions.
I started challenging my insecure thinking patterns. I would think “this person is going away from me” and then stop to ask myself, “is that true?” Is it insecurity?
Although it can be difficult to make these changes in your love life, it is possible. What would it be like to feel secure? What would I think? It was almost like learning a new language. I had to take a moment to translate my answers, and think about what the secure-me would have said. I eventually became fluent. I didn’t need to replace the insecure thought with a secure one. Because I was the person I imagined, I responded from a safe place.
It is important to learn to accept yourself and have patience with yourself. Healing takes time. It is an ongoing process. It can feel like an inexorable process. But it is part of being human.
This personal development work helped me become more confident, self-assured, and secure. I also found someone secure. Someone who values me and respects my boundaries. It’s been nearly five years since I was in my best relationship. This framework has been a huge help in my relationship.
It is amazing to see how one person can make other family members feel safer and more secure. Our family has had more communication. People feel more secure when they are more grounded in their own identity. This realization made me realize that I can make a difference. It is possible to make a positive difference in my life. I can also help others on the path to attachment.