It’s time for you to become confident

Confidence is the key to unlocking many doors. The majority of advice is to “fake it until you make,” which is not a sustainable or viable strategy. It’s not possible to watch motivational videos on YouTube before every business meeting, or have a friend give you a peptalk before every date. Fake confidence is exhausting. It makes you feel fake and can make you feel like a fool.

You must instead cultivate authentic, genuine confidence from the inside. This is not an easy task. If you have never been successful at your job, how can you feel confident at work? If you are introverted and hate small talk, how can you make yourself the center of attention? If your past relationships were like the Hindenburg, how can you trust a new one?

Nathaniel Branden, a psychotherapist and author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem describes confidence as a loop. You don’t feel confident. If you don’t believe in yourself, you may be unsure of your abilities, have trouble relating to others, and can even self-sabotage relationships. Your confidence will plummet further because of bad experiences. It also works in the reverse. You can have confidence and be bold, which will increase your confidence.

This is how to break the low loop, and get into the high one. This is where confidence does not come from. One of the most common misconceptions about confidence comes down to having something. Insecure people spend hours looking in the mirror and buy expensive toys. There are also many ‘normal people’ with beat-up cars who are confident in themselves. Confidence is about believing that you are capable of doing anything. It doesn’t matter what the external circumstances may be. However, cultivating this belief is not as easy as you think. Acceptance is the Key to Real, Authentic Confidence. “The only way you can be confident and truly happy with your situation is to accept what you don’t have.”

True confidence doesn’t mean displaying your strengths, but acknowledging your weaknesses. There is no way to be perfect. Accepting your imperfections is key. The self-deprecating voice in your head will keep reminding you of your perceived inadequacies like being too tall, too poor, and too quirky. Accepting these parts of you will give you control over your thoughts.

Because society and social media today give the impression that you should be perfect, you try to hide your insecurities. Men should be strong, attractive, confident, and able to manage their business. They also need to never miss their kids’ soccer games. Women need to look perfect, be independent and push a few kids between meetings. There’s only one solution to insecure feelings about height, income, appearance, or your laughter sounding like Goofy on LSD. Acceptance. No matter what your circumstances, you are worthy of being a human being. It’s hard to accept, but there are ways you can make it easier. Use positive language. Your confidence is dependent on how you see yourself. Your ego can make it difficult to accept your attributes as your identity.

• “I’m broke,” vs. “I don’t have financial security yet.”
• “I’m socially awkward” verses “I don’t yet have good social skills.”
• “I am weak” vs. “My muscles are not big enough yet.”

Can you see the difference? Your attributes should be seen as things you can improve on or around, not as a fixed identity. Accept rejection and pain, not avoid it. This is confidence. Sometimes life forces us to confront things we’ve always considered as flaws. You will be rejected sometimes. People will be envious of you. You will feel like an outsider. This is life. Accepting the pain will save you the suffering.

“There are two types of confidence – only one is worth pursuing. Acceptance can help you break the low-confidence loop. Improvement is what keeps the high-confidence one going. Your brain compares your current situation with what happened recently. You will feel better no matter your current situation. You should be more concerned about your current trajectory than your results.” – James Clear.

Once you’ve identified the negative attributes and you’re not afraid to reject them, you can start working on improving them. Get to the gym, spend less money, and improve your social skills. Positive experiences are the signs of hope. Building confidence is great but there are traps you need to avoid.

• A healthy self-esteem is about how you feel about the things you can control. It’s impossible to control whether someone likes or dislikes you. You also can’t control when you get a raise or how much weight you lose. You can control your behavior, whether you are a good person or stick to a diet. Instead of focusing on the results, focus on your choices and actions.

• A toxic self-esteem is one that is dependent on external factors such as success, popularity, and money in your bank account. These are tricky beasts. You can fly high when things are going well but a irritated face, a bad business deal or a pimple in your face could send you spiraling down. When things don’t go your direction, you become an insecure knobhead and question your self-worth. External success can be a pleasant side effect, but it should not be your ultimate goal.

Confidence is not in external results, but internal improvements. It is paradoxical to find genuine, authentic confidence. It is not about being the strongest or most successful person. It is about accepting your limitations and doing the right thing no matter what. Although the road to authentic, real confidence can be difficult, it is one of the few things that will change your life.