How to Understand That You’re Having an Emotional Affair (and What to Do About It)

Although we associate the word “affair” with passionate and physical affairs, not all of them are in-person relationships. They can also be emotional affairs, which are often harder to identify than their physical counterparts. Do you get too intimate with a coworker? Do you make excuses to visit your child’s adorable teacher? Are you also being attracted to the other person, even though you are in a relationship?

It would be easy to spot if you were having an affair if you were just hooking up. But an emotional affair has gray areas. It is not illegal to have close friends outside of your relationship. This article will show you how to tell if you are in an affair and what you can do.

Evaluate your relationship with your partner

Look closer before you attempt to sort through the complexities of an emotional affair and all that it entails. What has been the relationship like between you and your primary love? Are you happy and content in your relationship?

Even if you don’t feel like you’re in a fight or at the edge of divorcing, that doesn’t mean you happy. It can be difficult to admit that something is wrong, especially if you have a good partner. It’s possible to feel that you don’t want the whole relationship to end because of one thing, such as a lack or incontinence over parenting. This could be a sign that you are unable to pursue a full-bodied affair and instead guide you towards an emotional fling.

DJ, a 30-year-old woman from the Great Plains, said that she can now see the signs leading to it. She was involved in an affair with a man, which her husband doesn’t know. DJ declined to give her name for obvious reasons. “My mother-in law had moved in, and she and I have problems with our drinking. I felt like a third-wheel in my own house. Every decision I made was constantly scrutinized. I felt lonely, insecure, and uncomfortable. I never spoke to my husband about it. I was sure he would see how miserable I was. He didn’t.”

Consider how you feel about the person that you may be emotionally cheating with

After you have taken a hard look at your primary relationship, you can now analyze the one that has you questioning if you are in an emotional affair. Consider how you feel when the name of this person pops up in your phone, or when you first see them. Be honest with yourself if you experience signs of a crush, such as butterflies in the stomach. It’s a crush. There are also romantic undertones. You can do it.

Crushes can be normal and not a big deal. When you turn to the other person for emotional support or validation, that is the beginning of the affair.

Talking about intimate or sexual matters with another person is a red flag. This was DJ’s first clue that she was having an affair.

“We had been talking for a while and I was away for a wedding so I drunkenly asked him whether he thought that I was beautiful.” She admitted that things heated up and became a little more raunchy.

As with any other affair, an emotional affair is not all about sexual satisfaction. If you are looking for support, conversation or an ego boost from someone else, it is likely that you don’t get it from your main partner.

DJ said that they also had great conversations. She shared with DJ the things that she couldn’t talk to her husband about, such as her job, her dream to go back to school, politics and their favorite movies. “We both knew that we were married and did not want to divorce our spouses. But, we needed something beyond our marriages.”

Here are some things to do when you find yourself in an emotional affair

You have a lot of options if you find out that you are in an affair. You can continue to sneak around, text or talk to someone you might end up hooking up with and not be seen, but you could feel more guilty. An emotional affair can feel more intimate than a normal physical relationship. While anyone can get touchy-feely and flirt with a hottie easily, an ongoing conversation where you share your secrets and receive support is intentional and deeply personal. It’s possible to feel worse and more hurtful the longer it goes.

You could also be open with your partner to suggest an open relationship, or tell them what is lacking in your current arrangement, and what you want them to do. You can also decide to cut off your partner and go it alone. It is up to you whether you tell your primary partner about what happened after you have ended things with the other person.

DJ ended her affair and did not tell her husband what was going on. However, she admitted that it was difficult. “To be honest, those conversations are still missing from me.”

It is best to be kind to yourself and find out why you are seeking the emotional support of another person. You shouldn’t be ashamed of it. You probably needed something that you didn’t get.

If you feel guilty about your conversations being found on the spouse’s phone, you need to have a conversation with your spouse. “My husband and me had to learn to communicate and to make our needs known.” Sometimes your relationship will not work out and that’s okay. DJ stated that she doesn’t believe one person can meet all your needs.