How to Reply the Message From your Toxic Ex

You probably know by now that a toxic relationship can have a lasting impact on your life, even if it was just a few months. Trauma, lack of trust in relationships and emotional scarring can all result from a bad relationship. Even though they aren’t there, toxic people will find a way around you. Sometimes, they even do it deliberately. It can be frightening or overwhelming to receive a text from a toxic ex. These are some tips to help you get through it.

You shouldn’t think too much about it

Your ex might have hurt you in some way, or just been a nuisance to your sex life. But don’t give them any more credit than they don’t deserve. This is not likely to be a super- manipulator. Do not assume that this text is a psychological trick to cause maximum damage. This gives them more power even though neither of you know it. You might miss them, and you welcome the opportunity to reconnect. But don’t let your loneliness cloud your memory of who they are in real-life.

One Canadian woman, who requested anonymity, said that her ex often texts her “out of the blue.” “It’s always something along the lines of, “What’s going on?” or “Are you out?” Does “What’s Up” sound like the clever wordplay of a super-smart mega-mind? Or the easy shot-shooting of an inept, horny man. If there isn’t a reason, don’t change the facts.”

She also said, “I never know what he wants, but I tend to ignore him.”

If you want to respond, do it carefully

You only know the details of the breakup. How you feel now depends on many factors. These include how long it has been since the split and what you have been doing. You could answer anything. You could offend them, be friendly but distant, or ask to meet up. Think about what you would like to say. Even if they were a deathbeat or terror, you might miss them and be happy to have the opportunity to reconnect.

But don’t let your loneliness cloud your memory of who they are in real-life. Do not do it if they were unkind to you. You should be careful about using vitriol when responding to them. While it might be therapeutic to give them the business, and they may really deserve it, it is not a good idea to accept negativity or let them know you got to them.

It is possible that you don’t want your secret being shared with your friends. You don’t want them to embarrass and shame you. Exes don’t have to think you are doing better than them. They already know that you are doing well. Give yourself time to process the shock at first sight of their name and think about your future plans. You might find that your first instinct, whether it is to curse them or run to them in the end, is not always the best option. If they seem to be offering you a chance for you to have a conversation, trust your instincts.

Sometimes closure can be great. You will only know if you are ready or willing to do this, so make sure you use your best judgment. Ask clearly: “Why did you reach out to me? What are you looking for in return? I am doing very well, and I hope you are as well. I don’t think there is any need for additional discussion. But, am I missing something?”

No, you don’t have to respond right away. Give yourself time to process the shock at first sight of their name and to think about what you want. It might not be the best option in the end if your first instinct is to curse them or run to them. While you don’t have to give them an immediate response, you can owe your self the chance to think and do what is best for you. You should wait until you have had time to reflect, journal, and to share your thoughts with people who have a better memory.

You can consult your therapist. Send a text saying “Hey. I received your message and am deciding what to do. You have really hurt me in the past and I want you to know that I will not hesitate to reach out to me again. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for your patience.”

Your ex should realize that it takes time for this to happen. If they don’t, they will start double-/triple-texting you. If you feel it’s best for you, you can and should stop.

Block him

Block the person who is texting you if they are abusive. Block them if they bother you after you have had some time apart. Block them even if they haven’t texted you yet, but you feel dreadful at the thought of what they might do. Social media is also important. Block them on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Nobody has the right to disturb your peace. You work hard after a breakup to rebuild your life and be stronger. You have the right to stop someone from sending you a text that threatens everything you have built. You should be careful, especially if the person you are concerned has already threatened to do so.