How to spice up your relationship by talking dirty

Communication is key to any romantic relationship. This includes communication in the bed as well. Why is it so awkward to talk dirty? It’s not as easy as it looks in movies or porn. In real life, dirty talk doesn’t always come off the tongue as well as it does in those on-screen romances. Many people struggle to speak, stammer, stutter or freeze up.

Rachel Sommer, Ph.D. is a clinical sexologist and co-founder at My Sex Toy Guide. She says that it’s not uncommon for people to feel this way about dirty talk. She says that some people love it and others don’t like it. “Most people believe it stems from their upbringing, where they were taught what negative words should be used and why they should not be tolerated. People are skeptical of change.”

It’s not a good thing, as dirty conversation can improve your sexual relationships. Sommer says that dirty talk opens up the possibility for you to discover more about your partner. Think of it this way: Both partners must have an open conversation to determine the boundaries and establish rules for your new kink. Both partners should be honest about what they like and don’t like. You can also learn about your partner’s fantasies and incorporate them into sex. This will make sex more fun.

Sommer suggests that it is helpful to view dirty talk as a form foreplay. “Even though you may eventually touch one another physically, a 20-minute session of dirty talk can warm your engines before you get ready for the action.”

Want to speak dirty without sounding awkward or embarrassed? Here are some top tips from Sommer.

Roleplaying is a great option

If you are shy or unsure about your abilities, it might be easier to play roles that correspond with your most vivid fantasies.

Sommer says that roleplaying allows you to inject dirty talk into your sex life, without having to take full responsibility for your actions and words. Roleplaying also pushes you outside of your comfort zone, allowing for you to experiment and explore with things that you might not otherwise have. So, get creative with your partner, and create a captivating scene together to relieve the pressure.

Your partner can share erotic movies or novels with you

Fifty Shades of Grey may have made you squirm at the idea, but it can teach you a lot about seduction and other naughty words. Sommer says that erotic novels can be helpful because you can learn a lot about sexuality. She recommends Beyond My Control: Uncensored Fantasies in an Uncensored age and Forbidden Flowers, More Women’s Sexual Fantasies.

Sommer says that reading sexy books with your partner can help you both learn more about each other and provide new ways to make the experience fun and entertaining.

Talk dirty to yourself

You might try speaking your dirty words aloud to your partner first if you aren’t comfortable with it. Think about what makes you happy and what you would like to do in bed. Sommer suggests trying out different phrases even if you feel uncomfortable initially.

She also said that breaking taboos was okay. Remember, it’s okay for a woman to be called a ‘slut or ‘whore’ by men. It’s all about taking back the words and owning them. Then we can use them in a way that feels right to us.

Respect one another’s boundaries

Sommer says that the best tip to have successful dirty talks is to respect your partner’s boundaries. She says that understanding each other’s needs and preferences will help ensure the sessions are tailored to your liking, increasing the chance of success. It’s not about quantity, but quality. The bedmate is not the one who uses a bunch of raunchy phrases but the most genuine.

What if your partner is not exactly turning your head?

“I would recommend that you discuss it with them. It is possible to agree on how to make it even sweeter. You take charge and direct them to do what you want.”

Remember: Practice makes perfect. You can focus on what you want to say or hear in bed, and then communicate that to your partner in whatever way is most comfortable and sexual. As you work out the details, it’s okay to have some fumbling.

Sommer says, “Give it another shot and expect some discomfort.” It’s an entirely new experience.