Let’s talk about Carrie Bradshaw’s anxious attachment style

I expected to rewatch Sex and the City to bolster my admiration of Carrie Bradshaw. Her lifestyle appealed to a college student who was broke, as it included a mix of trendy bars and unforgettable but turbulent dates. My perspective changed when I saw the show through the prism of someone who actually lived in New York during my 20s. Carrie is the first person I have ever seen that I don’t admire. I wondered if she was feeling sorry for me and my younger self for romanticizing her life.

Sex and the City was a place I found out about because I was a journalism major and had just gone through a breakup. I instantly connected with the idea of a free-spirited writer, and her best friends, in pursuit of love and adventure. Carrie’s lifestyle was what attracted me the most. I saw it through rose-colored glasses. Stories like hers, which were vibrant, flashy and dramatic, were essential for a “full” life.

I didn’t believe that you could be an adult if you didn’t have happy hour. Not with cosmos or cigarettes, but with my Gen-Z twist on espresso martinis & vapes. Designer clothes and drama were my sign of independence. The question is, when would the excitement stop? If we looked back at our lives, could we not see no self-growth and only self-inflicted vices.

I believe that Carrie was most affected by her relationship with Mr. Big. Although their relationship was advertised as a passionate, whirlwind romance it was actually a mixture of pain and momentary pleasures, turbulence, and security.

It was even more remarkable than Carrie’s belief in this real romance that I believed it.

My ex-boyfriend would pop up in my life from time to time, in typical Big fashion. These interactions were not red flags for me. I just brushed them aside as Mr. Big-esque encounters. Even my closest friends, who started watching the show and had been diligently identifying their turbulent relationships with their Bigs, agreed to me.

We all thought we had found our Bigs at the age of 19. A new generation, far removed from the 90s, fell under the Sex and the City spell. They believed that the more sadness the relationship, the better. While we thought being secure meant being content, worry meant that we were living great love stories.

Many would argue that Carrie’s plotlines are shallow. I disagree. Carrie’s complex nature was revealed by her impulsive actions, lack of genuine introspection and impulsiveness. What was it that made Mr. Big so intense for Carrie? And why did she keep coming back?

These were the questions I began to ask myself. After finishing Attached, my mother’s favorite behavior analyst book, I realized that Carrie was more than our mutual love of writing. We both have anxiety attachment issues.

The theory states that there are three types of adult attachment styles: secure (or avoidant), anxious and anxious. Amir Levine, Rachel Heller and Rachel Heller explain that people with anxious attachment styles are “preoccupied with their relationships and worry about whether their partner will love them back.”

People with anxious attachments will often find themselves in relationships with people who are secure. This is Carrie’s ex-fiancee, Aidan. Partner who are confident in themselves will be more able to be present, authentic, and clear in their relationships. But for those who struggle with anxious attachment, they are more inclined to chase the unknown.

We tend to gravitate away form reliable partners and toward those who are less committed, who see intimacy the opposite of independence. A.K.A. The Mr. Bigs of the World

These dynamics might be interpreted as a twin flame relationship, but others who understand attachment theory would recognize Big’s behavior to be an avoidant attachment style. This attachment style makes it difficult to be present. They believe everything is push and pull. One step closer to a relationship, three steps back.

Big and Carrie’s relationship explores their different attachment styles. This has a negative impact on both of them.

These toxic dynamics can often lead to lifelong habits. Carrie loved the unhealthy nature her relationship with Big, which she confirmed in an episode where she compared it to S&M. She eventually tried to get Big’s attention by rebelling, throwing things, screaming, and lashing out at strangers.

Although I didn’t reach this point in my own marriage, I can see where these feelings came from. Often, Carrie felt powerless.

No matter how Carrie may be, I think the show failed her and her viewers by not addressing her emotional complexity. Many viewers still take Carrie’s erratic behavior and call her misogynistic. They label her as whiny, emotional, and needy. These terms are meant to dehumanize women and make them appear one-dimensional.

Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t meant to be someone you idolize. She was there to help you learn. Carrie Bradshaw and her relationships show us what happens when we lose touch with reality. When we see our relationships as what they can be instead of what they are. My teenage self loved Carrie and her life but admired Big and his.

I stopped looking up to Carrie for an example of living the Manhattan dream. Instead, I feel as for Carrie as any friend who is going through relationship problems. However, I don’t regret her being a role model to me in the past. Without her example, I wouldn’t have been able create my New York City reality.

When I saw Carrie overcome her toxic traits and rediscover her self, I was overcome by nostalgia and pride at how far she had come. Carrie and me are done with chasing Mr. Bigs who live impressive lives. Now, we’re becoming our own Bigs and creating our own stories.